Sober.
Too long for an update maybe? Maybe it’s a ploy to make myself seem aloof and unavailable. Maybe it’s lack of motivation.
Anyhow, my name is Hannah and I am no longer alcohol dependent. At least not for the past 11 (yes, I know, I’m pretty impressed myself) days.
I haven’t enjoyed being alcohol free this much in an incalculable amount of time. I feel like I’ve been gently anaesthetised since I’ve been here, and I’m only just beginning to see things as they really are, or maybe even seeing them in some beautifully heightened state of reality.
Example1 (Monday)-
I’m walking through the city.. I feel like I’m constantly coming up. I’m acutely aware of the air temperature and I’m regularly clenching my hands together to register their cold, clamminess. I see things in fragments. Fragmented existence seems to be mine. I have to blink heavily and often to break life into digestible frames. I try to avoid eye contact, which is difficult as I’m suddenly fascinated by the multitude of expressions that surround me. I look up to the small envelope of blue sky and literally can’t take my eyes off it. It’s so vivid. The more I look, the closer and more vivid it appears.
Example2 (Today)
I’m getting a blood sample taken. I sit on the couch. I can already feel a knot tying in my stomach, which is strange as I have no fear of needles. Perhaps my earlier choice of reading wasn’t wise (“Junky” by William S. Burroughs). The nurse pricks my skin with the needle. My blood is slow today. And for some inexplicable reason, looking down at the tube that is fleetingly part of me slowly turn that deep scarlet, I start to laugh. Silently at first, a slow smile spreading across my face, the laugh tugging at my stomach muscles then it develops into a gentle chortle.
She’s done. Pulled out. It’s over.
“Help yourself to jellybeans.” I feel like I’ve just had an incredibly quick and unfufilling one night stand, without only one (though wonderfully sweet) redeeming factor.
So that’s me at the moment. It’s darn fun.
